If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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