you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
