my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
