last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
