i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
