so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
