my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
