It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
