some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Semen is not good for contacts.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Randomize
