Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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