You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
