what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize