I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Randomize
