She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Randomize