Dude my mom stole all your condoms
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
