He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
