I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
