she kept yelling 'call me bella'
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
