i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
This house was built for laser tag.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
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