the condom got lost in my hair
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
