Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I want you more than these girls want KFC
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
