well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Randomize
