And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
