i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Randomize
