I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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