If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
