The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
