i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
MIDGETS
????
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
