in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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