So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
