i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
