Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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