I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
