Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
