I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
