I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
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