Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize