I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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