he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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