But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
