i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
