I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
my nose is crying tears of wow.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize