Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
