At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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