He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
