The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
I cockslap morals
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
