The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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