my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
