we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize