Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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