I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
