hotel room ftw
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize