What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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