He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
