I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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