i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
