drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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